


I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus

by calliopes_pen



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-25
Updated: 2005-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-01 20:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16772011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calliopes_pen/pseuds/calliopes_pen
Summary: Kaylee talks Jayne into being Santa for Christmas, and things go downhill from there.





	I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus

**Author's Note:**

> Italics are Jayne’s thoughts. Otherwise, Jayne would talk so much everyone would wake up and wonder what he was doing. It was written for [](https://www.dreamwidth.org/profile?user=serenity_santa)[serenity_santa](https://www.dreamwidth.org/profile?user=serenity_santa), for [](https://trelali.dreamwidth.org/profile)[trelali](https://trelali.dreamwidth.org/).

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the halls, not a creature was stirring—not even River, who was sleeping with Jayne's basketball. Put into her arms to keep her far away from Jayne’s gun, as she had recently taken to cuddling with it much to Jayne’s dismay. _Can't believe that girl actually rhymed that forty times as I got dressed. I'll never get it out of my gorram head!_ And that was just the beginning of how Christmas should be, according to Kaylee.

That, and Santa Claus were the best things about Christmas, or so Kaylee claimed. And this year, she wouldn’t take “no” for an answer when she demanded that Jayne dress up. An hour of being followed around by a persistent and insanely cheerful mechanic led to Jayne’s current predicament.

He was Santa Claus. His thoughts were veering wildly with emotions ranging from dismay to annoyance.

And he couldn’t keep a gun with him. Having to sneak into everyone’s bunks was not the easiest maneuver in the world—in fact, it was downright nerve wracking. And how would he carry a sack of presents from heists along with his gun? Kaylee thought it would be bad for Santa’s image or something like that.  
  
As he slowly stalked through the deserted hallway--everyone was sleeping, finally!--Jayne wondered why Kaylee couldn’t have simply gotten Book to do this? He had the beard! He had the personality! But no, it had to be Jayne---probably to force him to be all Christmassy. Of course, who else could pull off the cunning green and red cap that his mother had knitted for him for Christmas? It took a man to get it right!

Sighing, the scruffy man finally checked the bag. Whatever was sitting on top would end up being the first person to get a visit from old Saint Nick. Well, well. Looks like the first stop’s the doc, since I managed to steal him another medical bag. _Oughta do him some good when he’s patching up my bullet ridden body...which happens more often than I’d like._

Carefully removing the bag, he slowly opened Simon’s door. _That freaky sis of his may be lurkin’, so I best just leave it here. Boy’ll find it if he ain’t blind_ , Jayne reasoned. Quickly backing away from the door before Simon woke up—the man slept like a log, despite being on the run--Jayne checked the next item in his bag.

A teddy bear for Kaylee. Yech. That was too sweet and sentimental for Jayne—even if he was dressed like Santa. Shaking his head silently, he had to wonder where he had picked up something like that. It wasn’t what he normally took from heists. Had to be something that Kaylee herself had stuffed in there—this whole job was her idea, after all. The girl was like that.

Jayne quickly pulled the bear out, came as close as he dared to come to Kaylee’s cabin, and after a moment's consideration, he finally tossed it to the top of the ladder. He wasn’t about to risk ending up with his arm’s full of girl as she screamed her happiness. It would mess everything up-and she would find the toy on her own, eventually.

Next? A nice and naughty list from Kaylee—everyone was listed as naughty, and there were hearts drawn around Simon’s name. Muttering things like "Girl has strange taste" and "She’s got to be nuts," Jayne went on to the next cabin. Wash and Zoe’s.

Silently, he pressed his ear to the door, and waited. No heavy breathing. No sounds of giggling. Would she giggle, though? Jayne’s mind went to a very bad place, before he abruptly came back to reality when he heard a sound coming from inside. It was just somebody snoring loud enough to wake the dead. _Heh. This whole thing is making me jittery. Better get movin’ if I want to finish this by morning—or the next random problem with the ship._

Reaching into the sack, Jayne pulled out a new toy Stegosaurus for Wash, and...a very tiny dress for Zoe. _Must be the one with slink. Lucky slob._ He knew that Wash deserved what Jayne considered a dumb little toy after pulling the crews fannies from the fire more times than he dared to count. He would never admit it, though—not even under threat of torture. And he refused to devote all his thoughts to Zoe in a tiny thing like that. He would end up back in his bunk if he did.

Pulling his knitted cap down a little closer to his ears to prevent it from accidentally falling off, Jayne decided now was the time to make his move. He carefully opened the door, and inched his way inside. The coast was clear.

And that was when the roar of a gun broke the silence. Instincts taking over, Jayne quickly dove for the floor and made a grab for Vera. _Great. Forgot I left her behind when I started this dumb gig._ Carefully feeling himself, Jayne was pleased to learn that nothing important had been blown off. His leg had a slight streak of blood on it, and he could only hope it had been grazed.

Best to play dead and just tackle whoever came to investigate, he reasoned. However, that was when fate chose to be fickle, allowing everyone aboard Serenity awaken quickly —just in time to see Jayne laying on his face on the floor, wearing a knitted cap and a fake white beard. A barely visible trickle of blood soaking through the torn Santa pants.

“Zoe! You killed Santa!” screamed a half conscious Wash as he ran to the scene. Zoe merely stood there and shook her at the strange sight before her.

Sighing and reholstering her gun, Zoe merely rolled her eyes.

From the floor, Jayne carefully glanced up at them in disbelief. Wash could sleep through Jayne sneaking in—it was amazing that the pilot hadn’t slept through the gunshot, too. Moaning as he attempted to sit up, he half-expected them to accuse him of trying to steal from them and throw him out the airlock.

Seizing a chance, he said the only thing that could possibly save him. Blaming someone else. “It was Kaylee’s idea! She dressed me like this and told me to!”

Cocking an eyebrow, Zoe just stared at him. “She told you to break into our cabins dressed as a homeless bum with an ugly hat?”

Annoyed, he shot back, “No, Santa ain’t no bum!” He ignored the sound of Wash trying to restrain his giggles, and the sound of someone else arriving at the scene.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t ignore being smacked on the behind by the selfsame doctor's bag he'd just given as a present. Yelping in surprise, he spun to confront the doctor, who looked ready to deliver a lecture.

With a vaguely amused look in his eyes Simon smirked and, to Jayne’s horror, seemed to be too rational for his own good.

“So...you’re the one leaving strange trophies in my cabin? I almost tripped over this, and then where would you be? Nobody would be around to extract all those bullets that keep hitting you!”

Ignoring Simon for a moment—and secretly wanting as few witnesses as possible to this incident—Jayne spun to face Wash. “Shouldn’t you be tryin’ to steer us clear of rocks or somethin’? Huh?”

Covering his mouth to hide his huge grin, Wash went to the door and exited the cabin as quickly as possible. A few moments later, loud, half-hysterical guffaws could be heard echoing through the room. Zoe simply stared after her husband with a very amused, yet loving expression.

Obviously doing his best to think his way out of the situation, Jayne looked like he was at a loss to explain the bag or Santa related paraphernalia. He decided to pull out the slinky dress and risk death—it would be a good distraction.

Just as his fingers touched the bag, the door opened to reveal Mal, dressed in what could only be his sleeping clothes. Outraged that things were going so off course, Jayne let lose a stream of Chinese curses that should have gotten him kicked off the ship, but didn’t help his situation in the slightest.

_Just pretend the sack isn’t there—slide it under the bed. Which is 5 feet away. While they’re watching me. Damn, my goose is cooked!_

Blinking for a moment, Mal spoke as if he hadn’t heard a single obscene thing. “What’s all this, then? I just passed Wash in the hall mere moments ago. Poor soul was near doubled over in amusement at something. All he could say that made a lick o’ sense was somethin’ about a gun and Santa. Who wants to explain?”

And with that, all eyes turned to Jayne, who seemed to be attempting to sink into the floor and hide.

Getting a better look at the scruffy man, Mal seemed to suddenly realize how Jayne was dressed. As soberly as possible, he addressed the man. “Jayne? What are you dressed as—some sort of a freakish rascal with no sense of how to dress?” When it obviously dawned on the captain, he jumped and had such a look of horror that not even the sight of a Reaver could induce in the man. “ _Wuh de tyen, ah_! You’re old Santa Claus! Who else would it be with that pitiful cotton beard that’s seen better days?”

To Jayne’s disbelief, Mal then turned, leaned out the door, and shouted out. “Wash! Wait up—I’ll join you for a drink in the kitchen! Don’t forget to break open the strongest you can find!” Laughter could be heard echoing through out the ship.

Before either Jayne or Zoe could say a word, Mal popped his head back in for a moment, smiling the biggest grin that the crew of Serenity had ever seen on him. “Stay right there! We’re gonna borrow Inara’s camera, grab Book to take pictures, and paste this all over The Cortex!”

Less than ten minutes later, a disheveled Book was practically thrown into the room, amidst giggling from Wash. The pilot was bright red, and half gone from humor and liquor.

_Well, I’ll be. The little pilot is actually drunk. Zoe’ll kill him. Or I’ll do somethin’ to him once those pictures are posted._

Glaring, Jayne vowed to himself that he would lock Wash in a closet and forget to let him out for a few days. That ought to be proper revenge for this whole mess.

Straightening his clothes and throwing a look at Wash, Book seemed to be attempting to keep a calm and resolved face. He had obviously been awakened by the gunshot, and being dragged in here was preventing a chance to go back to sleep.

_The Shepherd’s got himself a wicked sense of humor when he’s annoyed. Best to look innocent. Wait a minute. How do I look innocent?!_

“This goes against my teachings,” which brightened Jayne’s face considerably, "but as the man is undoubtedly on His naughty list anyway...this shouldn’t be too much of a problem for me. Only pictures, correct?”

As Zoe nodded and Book gave him a knowing look, Jayne felt his last chance at getting out of this without embarrassment crumble to ashes. He groaned in annoyance.

“W-were you delivering presents to all the nice crewmembers, Jayne?” said Wash, obviously struggling against another bout of laughter.

Glaring at the ceiling, Jayne grumbled, “What else can go wrong?”

He kept glaring as Book aimed the camera for pictures. He kept up his look through laughter, and Kaylee showing up. He kept up the glare through her breaking down in laughter after displaying the teddy bear. His patience slowly grew thin as Wash discovered the dinosaur in the bag, and hugged Jayne.

He screamed in horror as someone pulled his pants around his ankles, and Book continued filming. He spun and discovered it was River, who had apparently known what undergarments he would wear with her creepy psychic abilities.

_What a day to pick hearts on boxers. I give up._

Later, after a visit to Simon to make sure he was uninjured, he grabbed all the booze he could, all the naughty magazines that were left, and retired for the next week in his cabin.

When Inara awoke the next day, and everyone explained why Jayne was hiding in his bunk, she was devastated that she missed it.

The film Book handed her more than made up for it—as did the dark satisfaction she received from uploading it for the rest of the known ‘verse to view.

His part in what came to be known as The Day Santa Was Shot and Filmed was the talk of The Cortex for the next year.

He never lived down the nickname of Jaynie Claus.

\-----------

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of Chinese from Mal: Dear God in Heaven.
> 
> Beta readers: seandc, nos4a2no9, and lizamanynames.


End file.
